it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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