She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
