i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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