so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
