I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
