even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
