I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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