My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
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