i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
