R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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