White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
