i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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