I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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