he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
