Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
