Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
