I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
