I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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