the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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