I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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