dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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