just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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