i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
