I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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