i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
