everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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