Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
