it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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