what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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