I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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