i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He felt like a one man threesome
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize