This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
