So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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