im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
