I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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