Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
