my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
