No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
