she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
