once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I know her cup size but not her name....
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