actually, I'm a sock model
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
