so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
