Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
