my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
