Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
