ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
