I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize