its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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