I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
