My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
