Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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