Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
