So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Never underestimate the power of titties
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
