i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize