Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
