I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
